WHAT OUR CHILDREN HAVE TO SAY

Kaila came to me upon the suggestion of her father. Kaila was a junior in high school and her parents had been divorced for two years. Her father was concerned because he was noticing Kaila pulling away from him and Kaila’s mother reported the same. Both parents realized that it was normal for Kaila to share less with them as a teenager but there was something about her silence that felt concerning and they both wanted to know how to improve their relationship with their daughter.

Kaila and I found common ground quickly in our love of the ocean. She surfed and I open water swam. With their permission I let Kaila know that her parents wanted to improve trust in their relationship with Kaila.  I shared her parents’ observations and concerns. I got curious with her and asked if she felt that she was communicating her feelings less with her parents. Kaila’s body sank into the couch, she looked downwards and her voice, moments before animated and alive, became soft and dull.

“Every time we talk I have to hear about why dad is greedy, or self-centered, or doesn’t care about my mother. Or why mom is a drama queen, and cares only about money. They put me in the middle and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Am I supposed to tell mom what dad is saying? Or tell dad what mom is saying? I thought the divorce was supposed to bring peace to our family.”

I asked her how it made her feel to be put in the middle and she said, “I’m stuck between the two of them and I don’t know what to do.”

“It sounds like you feel sad and helpless.” I said.  She agreed. I pointed out to her that she had made a choice not to talk with her parents which was a powerful act. She smiled when she realized the truth in that.

I asked her if she wanted to explore other possible choices that didn’t make her feel stuck in the middle and that would allow her maintain an honest and  healthy relationship with her parents. She did. We unwound the stories she had about why she believed she couldn’t just tell her parents to stop talking about one another with her. She decided she would take the chance and talk to them. We role played her conversation with them so she could find the words she was most comfortable using to express herself.

In the end Kaila sat down with each of her parents and told them how it made her feel when her parents used her as a sounding board. She very clearly stated that she did not want them to make comments about each other in front of her. Ever. She did not want them to ask her advice or talk to her about their relationship in any way. Kaila felt empowered and relieved to have been able to tell her parents what she needed moving forward.