Amanda and Joel have been together for five years. They enjoy each other’s company and have much in common. Amanda at 35 is concerned about her ticking child-bearing clock. Joel at 39 is not ready to start a family. The couple spend most nights together but still have separate living situations. Amanda would like them to live together. Joel likes living with his roommates and sees no need to live together since the two are with each other so much of the time. He cites many modern relationships where couples have two places.

Amanda came to me wondering how to know if a relationship is over. She’s not sure how to move on from a relationship or even if she should. Amanda needed to get clear about what it was she needed and wanted from her relationship.

I asked Amanda to tell me how the conversation about what she wants from Joel tends to go. She said, “I explain to him that I want a baby and that if he doesn’t want to do it now he needs to tell me exactly WHEN he will want to. I also tell him if we are going to be together then we should be living together.”

We work on her getting very clear about which need for her is stronger: Having a child within the next two years and living with Joel or holding on to the relationship the way it is and allowing Joel whatever time he needs to make a commitment knowing that there’s a chance he may not. Amanda decides what’s most important for her is her desire to have a family and because she has older parents and always wished they were younger she wants to do it sooner than later.

Amanda and I go over how she might have the conversation with Joel using NVC. We role play how that conversation might go:

Amanda: I hear you tell me you don’t want to move out of your place and that you are not ready to start a family with me right now. (observation)

I feel hurt that you don’t want to live with me and afraid that your timeline might jeopardize my ability to have a child. (how it makes her feel)

I need to feel certain that we are on the same page around starting a family and being together. (stating her needs)

Would you be willing to move in with me now and commit to having a child with me within the next year? (request)

Ultimately Joel was not willing to meet Amanda’s request to move in and could not commit to when exactly he would be willing to start a family. Amanda worked very hard on how to move on from the relationship without blame and moved on from Joel to find a partner whose needs were more in alignment with her own. They remain friends.