Disagreement, conflict, disappointment…they all happen in relationship. All kinds of relationships. With the people we love the most. How do you work through conflict in your relationships? Do you stay quiet? Brush it off? Sweep it under the rug and hope it doesn’t crawl back out again when you least expect it? Pray it doesn’t multiply into baby-conflicts who get into bed with you, sit at the dinner table, and create chaos where once there was peace? Or do you explode, over-react, flee, fight? Or might you apologize when you don’t actually feel responsible or sorry but hope that an apology might put off having to deal with an uncomfortable interaction?

     Throughout a busy day we are bound to have disagreements and our feelings are bound to get hurt from time to time. When we say nothing and avoid how these events impact us, they sometimes fester and grow. So, what can we do to address the small and not so small issues in a way that respects ourselves and our partners?

1. 1.  Name your feelings and deliver them in a calm and clear way. Take your partner’s feelings into consideration and begin with a statement that affirms your trust and love in them and your relationship: I care about you and I don’t think you meant to hurt or anger me. Then use the four basic compassionate communication skills. State what happened without blame or shame. Say how it made you feel. Let your partner know what you need to feel at peace, safe, heard, or seen in any given situation. Make your request for whatever it is that will help satisfy your needs, wants, hopes and desires. Ask your partner if they are willing to agree to your request. If they are not listen carefully to their reasons why and see if you might come up with something that works for both of you.
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3. 2.  Remember: “It’s you and me against the problem not each other.” Avoid blaming by focusing on what the problem is and how the two of you can solve it so that the ultimate goal – mutual respect and caring – can be accomplished.
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5. 3.  Go slowly. If you have stored past complaints and wounds inside over time without mentioning them, don’t bring them all up at once. Take one situation at a time and avoid bringing side note offenses to the table. Solve one problem at a time.
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7. 4.  Remember: We all want to feel seen, heard, respected, and considered. Listen fully to your partner. Resist the urge to formulate your counter-argument while your partner is sharing their feelings. This is not a competition or a war. Both parties want to be heard and understood. Make eye contact. Use active listening – check in and make sure you are understanding the message your partner is wanting to give. Don’t turn your body away, look down or at your watch or phone. Give your partner your FULL attention for as long as they need it.
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9. 5.  Keep an open mind and an open heart: Listen fully to what it is your partner is saying. Don’t argue their feelings even if they don’t make sense to you or you don’t understand why they are having them. Don’t try to fix or take away their feelings either. Remember, listen to what’s not working for them, how it makes them feel, and what request they are making that may help solve the problem.
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11.   Again…remember…It’s you and your partner against the problem. Identify the problem – write it down even on a piece of paper in front of you so that you can keep your attention on the problem and how to work together to solve it.