Don't Believe Everything You Think

Pamela sat across from me her hands twisting the tissue she’d just used to wipe away her tears. The tissue crumpled and torn into small bits fell like snow onto the floor by her feet. For years Pamela had believed that she was responsible for the care of her two children, the shopping, the cooking, and the laundry while also working a part time job. She was burned out and frustrated. She was angry with her husband for not offering to pitch in more. I asked Pamela if she’d expressed her need for help and she assured me she had complained about her overwhelm plenty…he knew she needed help.

Pamela believed that her husband didn’t think he needed to help around the house because he had a full-time job and earned more money than she did. Slowing things down and listening a bit closer we found that Pamela’s husband had never expressed those thoughts to her. In truth it was Pamela who held the belief that it was her duty to “do it all.” She didn’t know what her husband thought. Pamela saw how broaching the subject with her husband by complaining about how tired she was, how much she’d had to do that day, and how much more was left to do was not the same as directly and clearly asking for what she needed.

Pamela unwound many aspects of the story she had that her husband should offer to help without being asked, that he needed to see her as an equal partner because she was certain he didn’t. Through inquiry and deep reflection Pamela came to see that it was she who did not see herself as an equal partner and that this belief made it difficult for her to ask for what she wanted. Once she came to this truth, she was able to go to her husband and ask for his help with some of the daily chores and the two of them worked out an arrangement that felt fair to both. She was also able to check in with him about his thoughts on her as an equal partner and learned that her husband noticed all that she did around the house, with the kids, and with her job. He valued her and her contributions to the family as important and necessary to the well-being of the entire family. He realized that because of how he was raised and how things worked in his home he had never thought to ask if Pamela needed help. Pamela’s husband came to realize some of his own biases as a man.

CONSIDER THIS

Are there stories or resentments you carry inside that color the way you look at and speak with another? Are you expecting someone else to read your mind, your actions, or your moods rather than being clear, honest, and open about how you feel and what you need? How does the way you approach that person shut down the conversation and possibly the person?

Think of an assumption you have about how someone you know views you. Check in with that person and tell them that you hold this assumption and you’d like to hear from them if it’s how they feel or what they think. Thank them for their honesty and listen for what there is in their response that may open doors to communication and understanding.