Health Communication Starts with Listening
Listening is an act of empathy, a component of compassionate communication, and a way to build trust. To listen we need to replace judgement with curiosity. We need to suspend the temptation to tell ‘our side of the story’ and be fully invested in taking in all aspects of what the speaker is sharing. Not just their words but the feelings and meanings behind those words. When we endeavor to understand the meaning behind the words of another then we are listening and when we truly listen we build health relationships and communication.
Most of us want to feel heard, seen, and understood. To feel those things, we need a safe space to share with a person who can set aside their opinions, judgements, and agendas and be curious about our feelings and perspectives. Perhaps you have never had the experience of feeling heard in your life. Perhaps your parents were not interested in hearing your feelings, perspectives or opinions and you felt shut down and misunderstood. Perhaps you had a boss or a friend who did the same. Perhaps the culture you were raised in was one in which talking over one another, shouting, and arguing was the norm and what’s familiar to you. How you listen may be directly related to how your words and ideas were received by others in your past. Listening is an art and a skill that many of us need to learn or relearn. In order to improve communication in times of disagreement and discord, listening is the only way we will find common ground with one another.
Think of the last time you sat with someone close to you and made time and space to hear what they were expressing. Did you find yourself wanting to interrupt or correct them or point out the flaws in their argument? Were you certain that what they described was inaccurate? Were you thinking more about how you saw the situation than listening to what they were expressing?
I often ask the folks I sit with to listen for the “subtext” of what’s being said. If someone you are close to is emotionally distraught and doesn’t have or is unable to access their nonviolent/compassionate communications skills, they may say something like this:
“You never show me any affection. You don’t invite me to do things with you. When I ask you to do stuff you always say no.” In this example, there is a tangled web of accusation and generalizations masking what might be going on underneath the words.
What might the meaning behind those statements be? How might the person hearing those statements react? Would they feel attacked. Would they want to argue with the other person’s perceptions? Might they focus on the ways they can prove those statements false…”I brought you coffee in bed – that’s a show of affection… I asked you out to dinner last week, but you had plans already…”
If we were to focus on the meaning behind the statements, the ‘subtext’ we might hear, “I’m not receiving your gestures of affection in the way that you intend. I want to spend more time with you, and I am disappointed when I make bids for connection, and you are not available. Can we make spending time together a priority?”
In situations of high emotion and conflict, listening is the only way we will find common ground with one another. Asking the person if the subtext of what they are saying is true for them and encouraging them to make a clear request for what they need: “Would you be willing to set up a date night with me once a week? Could you sit next to me on the couch after work or when we are watching a movie so that I feel you close?” You might need to ask what “affectionate” means for that person so that you know exactly what it is they are looking for.
Maintaining healthy relationship depends on clear and compassionate communication which starts with listening.
Try This:
Set up an intentional time to sit with a partner (friend, spouse, workmate, child). Invite each of you to share something that’s on their mind. Agree upon an amount of time for each share, five to ten minutes. Find a quiet warm space without the worry of distraction or interruption.
The invitation for the person sharing is that they use their best clear and compassionate communication skills. Focus on sharing your observations and your feelings. Avoid blaming. You may want to share something unrelated to the relationship between you and the person you sit with for the first few times. You might focus on something that happened with a friend or a neighbor. Or you might want to share a meaningful time you had in nature by yourself. Go deep. Be vulnerable. Express your feelings to the best of your ability. When you are done let the silence at the end of your speaking hold space for a minute.
As the listener, take in the words, the feelings, and the heart of what your partner is sharing. Show them through your body language, eye contact, and attention that you are present and listening. As you listen do not form arguments, responses, or judgement as they are talking. Listen for the subtext. Notice their emotional language, their body language. Feel the essence of what your partner is sharing and allow yourself to listen with an open heart and mind. When the person sharing is finished, pause for a moment of silence and then thank your partner for sharing.
In this exercise you are not responding to the content of what the person shared. It is an exercise in practicing the art of listening. As you get better at it then you can begin to dialogue in a slow, thoughtful way.