Making Relationship the Priority

Madison and Kyle had been together for close to two years. Their compassionate communication skills were respectful and clear. In the situation they presented they each had what seemed like opposing needs.

Madison shared with me that it was hard for her when Kyle didn’t let her in on what was stressing him out. Kyle was always there for her when she needed to process her feelings and it felt imbalanced to her when he didn’t do the same with her. She was concerned that their relationship might become a one-way support system. I asked Madison if the stressors were related to things between the two of them and she responded:

“No, he talks to me when it’s about us. This is more like work stuff or maybe family stuff.” I asked her if what she wanted was for Kyle to talk to her about his feelings more often and she responded, “I just need him to let me support him. When he goes quiet, and I don’t know what’s going on I feel disconnected from him. And when I want his advice or need him to be there for me it feels out of balance.”

Madison asked Kyle to let her in on how he is feeling. He told her that her needing him to process things with her felt like an added stressor for him. He let her know that he needs to process things quietly and to himself

When I spoke with Kyle he understood Madison’s perspective but felt that what she needed was not what he needed.

“She’s telling me she wants to be supportive but what’s supportive for me is to be able to process things the way I need to. She wants to be a part of my process, but that doesn’t work for me. I need to process stuff on my own.”

Kyle admitted that the idea of “needing” something from another was uncomfortable for him. He also felt that he worked through things better on his own. I asked him if it would be easier for him to consider Madison’s request if we reframed the issue to Madison wanting to feel more connected with him. Kyle valued his relationship with Madison and wanted to meet her request for connection. He suggested to her that he would be more articulate when he needed space to process and offered that after he’d had that time he would feel supported by her if she could be curious about his process and talk about it with him.

Consider This

 Regardless of their opposing needs Madison and Kyle were careful not to blame or shame one another for wanting what they did. Keeping the importance of their relationship as the center piece and using compassionate and clear communication they were able to find a solution that took both of their needs into consideration. Consider a situation where you and another appear to have opposite needs and approach the issue from the perspective that it’s “not you and me against each other, it’s you and me against the problem.”