My teenage son came to his father and me wanting to present a proposal.  Conversations with our teenagers can be tricky in the best of situations and particularly when they are wanting something from us that we may not be able to give. I have learned over the years how to SLOW THINGS DOWN both for my child and myself.

     We set a time to talk. Before we met, I asked my son to think about what it was he wanted from us during that meeting. What would be the most effective rules of engagement for him?

     Did he want us to just listen?

     Did he want our opinion?

     Did he want advice, or feedback?

My son wisely said he’d like for us to just listen and respond after reflecting for some time. He presented his case beautifully. I could feel how his knowing that we were not going to insert our thoughts and opinions into the conversation enabled him to relax a bit and really reach down into what it was he wanted and why and communicate it more effectively.  His father and I asked one of two clarifying questions and also requested more information in certain areas so that we could make the most informed decision possible when we were ready. This took the pressure off of us to come up with a response. Typically, our child doesn’t have the patience to wait for an answer but he has learned that giving us time to sit with our thoughts and feelings serves him just as well in the end.

     After our riverside chat our son thanked us for hearing him out, for listening without the noise that parental input can sometimes have for teenagers. I celebrated the progress we’d made in our ability to have effective communication with him and it confirmed that this was how to build trust in a relationship both with our teenagers and with others in our lives. 

Communication and relationship coaching can change the way we relate to ourselves and our children. Build a more trusting and connected relationship though better communication skills.