How to Communicate in a Relationship

     When I was a senior in high school, we had an exchange student from Germany living with our family. Lucia was like a sister to me. We shared like sisters, and we fought like sisters. Lucia’s English was very good and at the time I did not speak any other language.  At times Lucia would say things that felt pushy or bossy to me. It rubbed me the wrong way. I did not have the skills to address it with her in those years. I wrote it off as a personality difference and although annoyed at times I did not let it get in the way of our friendship.

    Several years later after my sophomore year in college I decided to travel abroad and started my three years of travel staying in Germany with Lucia and her family. While with her family for three months I studied German and in so doing I came to realize something that significantly changed my relationship to language and to people from different cultures. I noticed how the structure of the German language when directly translated to English made simple requests or statements sound like commands and demands. I thought back to the time Lucia was in the States and how I sometimes found her pushy or bossy and realized that it was simply the way she’d translated German to English more than an aspect of her character that informed the way she spoke English. This discovery intrigued me and begged the question for me whether culture is shaped by the structure of language or language by cultural norms and values.

   In all relationships, it is important to consider our different backgrounds. One does not have to be from a different country to speak a ”different language”.  Someone from New York City may speak directly with a more sarcastic or biting nature in comparison to someone from California or the South. Likewise, someone who has grown up in a house where yelling, swearing, criticism, and judgement were a part of their family culture will have a difficult time communicating in a way that someone from a family with a more gentle, soft-spoken manner of speaking might be accustomed to. When things become heated in relationship, we tend to revert to old habits of communication that are familiar to us. It is here that we might choose to listen for the impact of our partner’s style of communication. It will be important for us to check in with what their intended message might be.  It may be difficult in the heat of the moment to ask for a change in someone’s style of communication so frequent check ins around intended messaging is important. For a New Yorker the California style of communicating can be frustrating and seem ineffective and may be met with comments like, “Get to the point. Say what you mean.”  Whereas for the Californian the New Yorker’s directness may seem offensive or rude.

Consider This:

Notice how your style of speech differs from someone you are in relationship with – a co-worker or partner. When their requests or statements land in a way that finds you bracing or bristling notice what it is about the delivery of those statements that brings up that response. Check in with them around what message they are trying to deliver. Explore together with curiosity and without judgement your different styles of communication and where they come from. Just bringing awareness to the differences brings you one step closer to better communication. Remember that although you may both speak English, different upbringings, cultures and values can be as foreign as a different language. Take the time to learn the language of the people you are in relationship with.