Let’s look at communications that are not framed in compassionate or non-violent styles and then reframe them using Marshall Rosenberg’s four components of non-violent communication.

Observations are the concrete actions we observe that impact our well-being

Feelings are what come up as a result of what we observe

Needs, values, desires that create our feelings

Requests for actions to be taken that will enrich our lives

1. Judy promised her partner Randy to talk to a friend who offered to help teach her how to trim the hedges several weeks ago. She’s been overwhelmed with worries about her son having a rough time in college and is having a difficult time focusing or completing the simplest of tasks. Randy has been hounding him every day to call her friend. Judy has not let Randy know that she’s overwhelmed and struggling. After a week of his asking Judy responds to Randy’s reminders:
2.  

“Why do you keep badgering me? I told you I’d call and I will. You don’t need to remind me every day. I’ll do it when I’m ready. Just stop.”

REFRAME:

1. “I notice you have asked me every day about calling Susan about trimming the hedges.
2.  
3. It makes me feel anxious when you repeatedly ask me because I already feel upset with myself that I haven’t done it. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and stuck right now.
4.  
5. I need space, time, and understanding when I get stuck like this and am unable to move forward with things.
6.  
7. Would you be willing to stop mentioning it and give me more time to get it done?
8.              
9.  

2. Liam experienced a traumatic incident with his partner Sam’s brother. Although they discussed the incident Liam still experiences anxiety and discomfort when Sam’s brother is around. Liam is angry with Sam and wants him to “just get over it.” Liam feels guilty and ashamed because of how he can’t get over his trauma knowing that it impacts Sam’s relationship with his brother. He has tried to explain to Sam what happens for him when he’s around Sam’s brother but has not felt heard or understood.
3.  

“Your brother cannot stay here this weekend. I don’t want to have him here for that long. He can come for dinner, that’s it. Why do I have to keep saying this to you?”

REFRAME:

1.  I notice that when I tell you it’s hard for me to have your brother stay here you roll your eyes, sigh, and become angry with me.
2.  
3. It makes me feel hurt and scared because I don’t feel understood by you.
4.  
5. I want to feel heard and cared for when I talk about how hard it is for me with your brother.
6.  
7. Would you be willing to learn more about how trauma lives in the bodies of those who have experienced it so that perhaps you might understand my need to feel safe a bit more?

3. Joanie comes from a family where when her parents were angry and aggressive towards one another they raised their voices and hurled profanities at one another. Her close friend Mary comes from a family culture where swearing was a part of her everyday conversations and used as a way to emphasize certain points. Joanie felt triggered by Mary’s constant use of profanities but had never mentioned it over the years of their friendship. When she did it came out like this:
4.  

“I don’t understand why you have to swear all the time. There are other ways to express what you are trying to say. You are an educated woman, why can’t you find different words to use?”

REFRAME:

1. I notice you use profanities when you speak.
2.  
3. It feels jarring and scary for me when you do because growing up when my parents fought they used profanities with one another and it could turn violent.
4.  
5. I value my time with you and want to focus on the content of what you have to say and am unable to do so when you swear.
6.  
7. Would you be willing to do your best to use fewer profanities when you speak?

When we make a request of someone we do so knowing that they may not choose or be able to honor that request. It can be difficult not to assign judgement and anger towards a person when they are unable to meet our needs and desires. It is an opportunity for us to listen to the “shoulds and should nots” that come up for us when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need. Our needs may not be aligned with someone else’s needs and our tendency is to make them bad or wrong. We are given an opportunity to honor our differences and accept who others are. We have choice to continue to engage with that person or not.