When we are hurting, disappointed, or frightened it may be difficult to communicate those feelings to our partners. Talking about our feelings leaves us vulnerable and for some, historically, it might not be a place of safety. So how can we let our partners know that we are there for them. That we are fully listening and welcome what they have to say?

     First: Invite your partner to talk to you saying things like: “I’d really like to hear about how you’re feeling right now. I can put my feelings aside for now and just listen if you feel you’d like to talk.” This invitation assures your partner that you are really present for them and that you care about their feelings and what they have to say. It also assures them that you will not be interrupting and arguing with your side of the story and your feelings so they can relax and put down their defenses.

     Once your partner starts to speak notice your body language. Are you facing them, are your arms open and your attention fully on them, your phone nowhere within reach or sight. Are you able to listen with your full heart, letting go of things they may say that make you want to answer, defend or argue. If you find yourself particularly triggered or pulled to argue by something they say, ask your partner if they could pause. Find your center, take a breath, and remind yourself that you may address whatever has come up at a later time.

     Second: Try not to respond to what is being said. Use subtle and sincere gestures, a nod of the head, or a sympathetic expression to show that you are listening. If the person speaking pauses give them a few moments and then encourage them to continue by asking them to: “Say more.” of “Tell me, I’m listening.”

     Third: When  the person speaking is finished thank them for having the trust and courage to share with you. Ask them if there is anything they need to feel complete in their communication. If there are things that have come up for you in the sharing let them know that you would love the opportunity at another time to sit and speak as well, but for now you will hold what they have said and allow it to settle.

     Listening is an art and an act of compassion and caring. Accepting your own feelings and taking responsibility for them will help you communicate without blame. Often when we find ourselves blaming someone else for our hurt feelings, we miss the opportunity to discover what it is that’s happening inside ourselves and how we can give it the attention it needs. We empower ourselves to make the changes within which ultimately leads to healthier relationship to self and other.