How To Listen So Others Feel Heard
Relationship is about Communication. Communication involves a speaker and a listener. Both have a role in creating successful and rewarding connection. Good communication deepens and grows relationship.
Nick loved Hannah and wanted to build a healthy relationship and improve communication between them. Nick reported that he did not feel heard, seen or cared for because when he tried to communicate with Hannah she would either not respond or she would interrupt and ask questions that were unrelated to the point of his story and often took the story off in a different direction leaving him to think that what he had to say or what he was feeling was of no interest to Hannah.
Hannah agreed that sometimes she might ask questions, but she could not see why that was so difficult for Nick. Couldn’t he see that she was interested in what he was saying? She was asking questions, wasn’t she? Nick tried to explain that her questions were related to the aspects of his story that she was interested in. That it didn’t feel like Hannah was listening to his feelings or what his heart needed to share.
Nick and I did a role play to see how one of these conversations might look:
Me as Nick: “I saw Jimmy yesterday. He was super upset, his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Her Dr. said it was an aggressive type and…”
Nick as Hannah: “Who is her doctor? Is it that woman everyone talks about at the clinic? She’s supposed to be the best.”
Me as Nick: “I don’t know. But Jimmy’s story made me think about your last mammogram and what the doctors found. I realized how scary that was for me. I …”
Nick as Hannah: “Well, mine wasn’t an aggressive type so that’s good. Speaking of doctors, did you make that appointment for Lilly to see the podiatrist next week? Her foot is really bothering her and you said you’d follow up with your friend at the clinic.”
I asked Hannah if she saw how her style of listening might leave Nick feeling that she wasn’t interested in what he was feeling. She felt her curiosity was perfectly reasonable but did see how talking about the podiatrist might have steered things in a direction Nick didn’t want to go.
Building healthy relationship includes learning how to listen with empathy. It requires being fully present for the other person, setting our own agendas aside and being curious about what the other person is feeling. Healthy communication also requires that the speaker be present with what they are feeling and what needs they have. Asking for what we need from an interaction is important. “I need to talk with you about something that was difficult for me and would love it if you could listen without responding or asking questions. Are you willing to do that?
Try This:
Set aside a time when only one of you speaks. Your job as the listener is to put your focus on your partner. To set aside all agendas. If thoughts about what the person is saying arise put them aside. Listen to what your partner is feeling. When they are done speaking reflect to them what you heard and what you think they are feeling. If there is a need for something, reflect on what you heard that need to be. This is a learning exercise. If your speaker’s feelings were not what you thought they were, have them try again. Sometimes it’s not about the quality of another’s listening but rather how difficult it can be for the speaker to identify and express how they feel or what they need. There’s learning to be had for both the listener and the speaker. I suggest you focus on only one person as the speaker in this learning session. Wait until the next day to switch roles. Let your role as speaker or listener really sink in.
Book a session with me: Nina Vincent 415-595-2739
In person at 333 Miller Ave. Suite 7, Mill Valley, Ca. 94941 or on Zoom