Avery didn’t think their broken relationship could be fixed. Years of shut down, distance, resentment buildup, and misunderstanding had built a wall of silence and hurt between their partner and them. I asked Avery if they could identify the place in their relationship where they felt their trust had been violated. They knew exactly where the first betrayal occurred. We sat together and followed the thread of that first “betrayal” through the many years they and their partner had been together, raised a family, and struggled with communication and connection.

We unwound the story of that initial betrayal and watched as the power it held over Avery dissolved their rock-hard conviction that it was real into a stream of tears and relief that perhaps it had been a misunderstanding that never got corrected because silence and fear kept Avery from telling their partner about their hurt and concerns.

Avery discovered that they didn’t know how to rebuild trust in their relationship, how to fix a relationship that felt broken beyond repair. One of the issues that stood in the way of being in healthy relationship for Avery and their partner was anger. Avery’s partner would express it loudly, fiercely, and for Avery frighteningly. I asked Avery how they expressed anger and they shared that they would go silent, shut down, and pull away. I offered that anger was not actually the issue but rather the undiscovered and unexpressed emotions beneath the anger that were keeping Avery and their partner from healing and growing their relationship.

In the world of Conflict Resolution anger is often considered a secondary emotion – something we resort to in order to protect ourselves from the more vulnerable feelings beneath it. Often we are not aware of the emotion that arose right before anger took over to empower and embolden us. Avery gave me an example of a time where their partner responded with extreme anger towards them. We decided to guess at the subtext, the primary emotion that might have lurked beneath the anger and found fear and disappointment to be what might have ignited their partner’s anger.

I suggested that Avery talk with their partner about the ways that anger hijacks trust and communication in their relationship and invited them to make an agreement with one another that when anger arose in a conversation that they name it and then they slow everything down and work together or apart to identify the primary emotion beneath the anger and build trust and intimacy into their relationship by sharing the more vulnerable feelings beneath.

Try This:

Sit with your partner when you are not in conflict or disagreement and explore the reoccurring arguments that lead to anger in your relationship. See if you can identify the primary emotion that triggers the anger in each of you. For example, are you afraid you are not being seen, heard, or understood? Do you feel rejected or abandoned by your partner? Are you disappointed and sad but using anger to protect you because you’re afraid you won’t be safe if you express your vulnerability? Can you identify what it is you might need to feel less afraid or invisible? Don’t rehash the arguments but rather gently, slowly, carefully open the wounding that occurred within you because of your own hidden primary emotions. Remember others don’t make us feel the way we do. We are responsible for our own feelings so learn what yours are saying and listen deeply to them. Once you have identified the hidden emotions sit together and put relationship healing, communication building plans in place.

*Remember: “It’s not you and me against each other, it’s you and me against the problem.”

* Find a phrase that will pull you out of conflict, anger, and argument when it’s happening:

“I feel your upset…can we slow this down and figure out what emotions might be beneath the anger right now?”

*Take time and space if anger has hijacked your ability to soften and slow down. The original emotions will still be there to find when you are calm and curious.

 

Are you interested in how Life Coaching  can improve your relationship to self and other? Contact me, Nina Vincent, for a free 30 minute phone consult and find out whether I am the right life coach for you. 

Text at 415-595-2739

email: [email protected] subject heading: Coaching appointment

I see clients virtually or in my Whole Self Healing/Heart of the Matter Coaching Mill Valley office.