NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
“It’s not you and me against each other, it’s you and me against the problem.” Mosaic Project
Recently in my personal life there was tension with someone I care about deeply. We were both holding tight to different aspects of what we needed. My friend presented her case for what she wanted. What she wanted was not something I was able to give, and I offered what I thought were clear and understandable reasons why. When she returned with, “You’re not hearing me. My feelings aren’t being considered. I feel like you haven’t given this fair consideration,” I found myself getting defensive. I sensed that I was being accused of not listening or caring which is a trigger for me because I am someone who listens to and cares about others deeply. I did not step back and notice that I was triggered by her statements. I was annoyed with the way she masked an accusation in a ‘feeling statement’. In short, I did not consider what I know about deep listening and compassionate communication. Instead, I went into pragmatic, practical, lawyer mode and pointed out all the reasons why my arguments were fair and of sound reason. I ended my well-presented case by saying, “Just because I don’t agree does not mean I am not listening.” That ended the conversation but did not hold space for the well-being of our relationship.
Conflict, confusion, and misunderstanding happen in relationships. When situations that cause tension, disagreement and hurt arise between two people they may have different approaches on how to manage the situation. If in your past conflict resulted in shouting, violence, blame, and shame you may find yourself avoiding it at all costs. If you learned that conflict is about winners and losers, you may approach it by being on the offensive or the defensive. If avoiding it isn’t possible you may just give in or give up and then hold resentments towards yourself and another for having done so.
World renowned author Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life writes: “Creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing…It’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing.” He goes on to state: “How we ask for change reflects the value system we’re trying to support…We work to create that quality of mutual concern and respect where each party thinks their own needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person’s well-being are interdependent.”
When we get in touch with what we need and what we are asking for and we find a safe and quiet place within ourselves to listen to what the other person needs and asks for we open the door for honest, communication. Learning to identify what you need and expressing those needs without criticism, blame, or judgement is the first step towards conflict resolution and a deeper connection with another.
The good news for both myself, and my friend is that we care about one another deeply and were able to identify how our process of communication was separating us and causing hurt. The disagreed upon issue was of less importance than our need to feel heard, respected, cared for, and understood.
Consider This:
The next time you find yourself in conflict with another slow things down and take the time to listen to what’s happening in your body. Did your heart rate increase, muscles contract, and your breathing become shallow? Ask yourself what might be triggering those responses. Are you concerned you are not being heard? Have you expressed your needs clearly? Is the language being used between you creating a landscape of shame and blame? Are you or the other person trying to win or to find mutual satisfaction and well-being?
Read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and learn how to use the language of compassion and connection.