Relationship is About Communication
“She’s going to be late, she’s always late. It’s so disrespectful. She doesn’t care enough about me to show up on time, to honor my time, our plans or me…”
Someone you know and love has a habit of … being late, leaving the dishes in the sink, talking over you, not showing up for the party, forgetting your birthday, dismissing your ideas … the possibilities are endless but the common theme that may run through our minds is: “That person is disrespectful, rude, thoughtless, and doesn’t care one hoot about me.”
We have stories about what another’s actions mean about us and about the other person. We think we’ve communicated effectively and made our needs clearly. We are certain we have expressed the ways another’s actions make us feel. For some the expression of needs and feelings may look like this:
“I come home every night to your dirty dishes. It drives me crazy. I feel like you think I’m the maid and my job is to clean up after you. I need you to wash your dishes and stop expecting me to do it for you.”
The message is certainly clear. This person is tired of coming home to dirty dishes and wants the offending party to clean up after themselves. What is missing here is a chance for dialogue. An opportunity to find out from the other person WHY they might not be washing the dishes. What is it about dish washing that is so difficult for them and how might the two parties find a solution that works for both of them. How might they communicate effectively?
If we pick the above statement apart, we notice the first sweeping statement: “I come home EVERY NIGHT to…”. Every, always, all, never, constantly are red flag words. If you find yourself using them to emphasize and bolster your argument, consider that these words are letting you know that you have BIG feelings about the issue. Pause. Take a breath. Slow things down and ask yourself…is it true that so and so ALWAYS leaves dirty dishes in the sink…NEVER shows up on time…CONSTANTLY ignores your requests? See if you can reframe the big feelings into more accurate observation and reporting: “I came home Monday, Wednesday, and today to your dirty dishes in the sink…”
“I feel like you think I’m the maid” is not in fact a feeling at all. It’s more the person’s assessment of what regard the other person holds them. A statement of feeling might be, “I feel frustrated, tired, sad, confused when I come home after a long day of work and there are dirty dishes in the sink.”
Being curious is a way of letting the other person know that you are interested in what’s going on for them and invested in healthy relationship. Why it is that at times they are leaving their dirty dishes in the sink at the end of a day. “I’m curious, is there a reason you are not washing your dishes?” You might get an answer like this from your child who is a student: “I’m trying to keep up with my history class so I eat dinner while I’m doing my homework. I stick the dishes in the sink when I’m done eating but I’m still working on my assignments. By the time I finish my homework and come back to the kitchen you’ve already washed the dishes.” Or “By the time I finish my homework I think I just forgot about the dishes.” When you hear what another has to say you may find that the assumptions you’ve held around why they do what they do are not accurate. Good things in relationship happen when we use compassionate communication.
It is perfectly reasonable to make a request of someone. How we do that matters. A demand and a request are two different things: “I need you to wash your dishes and stop expecting me to do it for you.” Is more of a demand than a request. “I see now why you are leaving your dishes in the sink. Would you be willing to find a solution that meets both our needs?” This offers a co-created solution…It’s not you and me against each other…it’s you and me against the problem.”
In the Byron Katie work one might look at the “Shoulds” in this dilemma. My child SHOULD do their dishes after they eat. And yet the reality is they don’t and when we hold on to the thought that they SHOULD we suffer and so does our relationship to them. Perhaps there’s something else the other person could do that would balance out the dirty dishes. “I hear that you are busy with schoolwork, and you don’t always have time or remember to do the dishes. I wonder if you could take the garbage out before you sit down to do your homework and I’ll do your dishes for you?
When our ultimate goal is a peaceful, loving relationship that works for both of us the possibilities for resolution are endless.
Try This:
Practice using nonviolent language, curiosity, and co-operative problem solving. Change these confused statements of feelings, needs, and requests to ones that might lead to shared understanding, resolution, and harmony between people.
- You never let me finish my sentence. You are always interrupting me. I feel like you don’t care about what I have to say. You need to just be quiet and listen so I feel heard.
- Every time you use my car you leave the gas tank almost empty. I feel like you think I’m made of money. You make me late for work because I have to go fill up the tank. If you don’t start filling the gas tank you can’t use my car.
- You never consider my feelings. You’re always just needing to be right. I feel like a defendant in one of your court cases. Why can’t you just listen to how I feel and show me that you care about me?