WHEN OUR VALUES GUIDE THE CONVERSATION

Typically, in my practice I do not sit with couples together until after meeting with each
individually for a time. It is my experience that much of what gets in the way is not what’s
between two people but rather what exists within each of us that hinders clear calm
connection and communication. When one partner (and this could be business partner, love
partner, housemate, or family member) tells me that they are certain that the other person is
the problem and they have tried everything imaginable to show that person why what they aredoing, saying, believing, and being are the cause of the problem I quietly celebrate because I
see the opportunity for this person to be set free from thoughts that hold them hostage. In my
experience it is rarely someone else who is causing our unhappiness and when we believe they
are we put ourselves in a position of powerlessness. When we focus on what our partner must
do to change for us to be happy, we condemn ourselves and them to a battle of wills that grows
separation rather than connection.

Together we ask the questions: What are my core values? What is it I ultimately want in
relationship to this person? What do I need to feel happy? How do I believe this issue is getting
in the way of my values, and goals for our relationship? Do I believe that getting my way is the
ultimate goal?

Often what both people want is a loving compassionate connection where they feel seen,
heard, and valued. Once we see what it is we want we can then get on with the work of
understanding what is getting in the way of that.

Once each person has explored what they value, what they want, and what’s getting in the way
they can decide from that place whether they are open to hearing what the other person values
and wants and then decide ways to create a healthy connected relationship where the well-
being of both is being considered.

Oft times those I sit with learn that what they value and want may not need to come from the
other person. And sometimes folks realize that there needs, goals, and values are no longer
aligned, and they decide that changing the nature of their relationship is what they want.
When done without blame, shame, or a belief that their separating means they failed, they can
go on to restructure and renew or move away peacefully and with gratitude.

This notion that when a marriage or partnership ends someone must be to blame or that the
relationship was a failure is rarely true. Relationships ending may simply be the result of two
people changing in ways that no longer support their being together. Acknowledging that and
holding our own well-being and another’s as sacred allows us to part with love and
understanding rather than blame and shame.

Consider This

Think about some of your most sacred values: honesty, kindness, free will…consider how many
of those values exist in your life. Ask your partner what their most sacred values are and
whether they feel they are honoring them for themselves. Look together at what you value in a
relationship – work, marriage, family, friendship – What are the ways you can support one
another to be in a relationship that respects and celebrates the values you hold sacred both
together and apart.

If you and your partner have decided to end your relationship, be it business, marital, or social –
make a list of the ways your having been together grew you as a person. Focus on the aspects
of your relationship that were a celebration. Consider the positive, rich, fruitful, and beautiful
things you created within yourselves and each other while you were together. Decide where
you want to shine the light on the history of the relationship. Learn from the difficult, grieve for
what you will lose, and celebrate what was good.